Overcoming Trauma as a Couple

Trauma is an emotional response to painful events such as the loss of a loved one, accidents, sexual assault, bullying, etc [1]. A person's most immediate reaction to a traumatic event is shock and denial. However, the trauma can last for a lifetime and affect every aspect of a person’s life.   

Most trauma survivors experience physical symptoms such as hyperventilation and chest pains, alongside mental symptoms like increased irritability or defensiveness.    

TYPES OF TRAUMA THAT AFFECT RELATIONSHIPS  

Infidelity: When you or your partner were cheated on in previous relationships, the pain might carry over to future relationships. People who experienced infidelity before might become distrustful and paranoid that their current significant other is being unfaithful. They might constantly ask for your whereabouts or even look through texts on your phone.   

Abuse: Partners who engage in acts of abuse leave a lasting imprint on their victims. Forms of abuse include kicking, throwing items at someone, berating or degrading, gaslighting, withholding financial resources etc. A victim of emotional or physical abuse often struggles to form intimate connections with other people. They also internalise the abuse and blame themselves for how their abusers behaved.   

Neglect: People who grew up with parents who constantly neglected their emotional and physical needs might become overly dependent or detached from others. If you are with someone who might have been neglected during their childhood, you may find that they rarely talk about their personal life and avoid sharing their deeper thoughts.   

WHAT ARE THE TRIGGERS?  

Familiar sights and smells: Smells such as alcohol or cigarettes can make trauma survivors feel unsafe, especially if their past abusers consume these substances regularly [2]. A person with distinctive facial features such as a beard, long hair or a mole might remind a trauma survivor of their abuser, even if it is not the actual person.   

Significant dates: The anniversary of someone’s death or an abuser’s birthday can set off alarm bells in the trauma survivor’s head. Some people have a harder time brushing off their negative feelings, especially when these important dates are approaching. Some holidays like Christmas might be hard to celebrate for trauma survivors because of the memories that come with these occasions.   

Behaviours: Actions such as raising your voice slightly or initiating physical contact can be a trigger. For example, giving an abuse survivor a surprise hug from behind might cause them to scream or flinch in fear. Know that their reaction is a result of their past experiences with negative people and not because of you.   

Learning what kind of triggers upset you or your partner goes a long way in understanding the challenges and making the relationship last. The next step to take after identifying the triggers is working together to make both people feel safe within the connection.    

HOW COUPLES CAN WORK ON TRAUMA TOGETHER 

Keep communication open and sincere: Make it clear to your partner that you will always love and support them. Genuinely praising them for making progress in their healing journey also validates your partner’s feelings. If there are any thoughts that you wish to share with your partner about relationship expectations or otherwise, do it from a place of compassion and be truthful.   

Place boundaries: A trauma survivor might have learnt to let others cross their personal boundaries for the sake of survival, so it is important to place and reinforce these boundaries when necessary [3]. If your partner has trauma stemming from physical abuse, you could establish a boundary where you can only make physical contact when your partner fully consents.   

Speak with a counsellor: Trauma is complex, and recovery is not linear. There might be days where you or your partner struggle to manage your feelings after seeing a trigger. You also might have days where you are not in the right mindset to give your partner the emotional support they need. Depending on one person to help you through difficult times will drain both parties [4], especially if the other person does not have their own safety net.   

Expand your support network to include an experienced counsellor who can help you and your partner on this journey. TOUCH Marriage support offers counselling for couples to work through relationship issues and forge stronger bonds while TOUCH Counselling and Psychological Services offers support for those who are distressed or having negative thoughts. You may call the TOUCHline at 1800 377 2252 (Mondays to Fridays, 9am to 6pm) to speak with a counsellor.     

Although challenging, navigating trauma can help you and your partner forge stronger bonds and build your relationship upon love and understanding. The journey of recovery is unique to each individual, so be patient with yourself and your partner as you discover and overcome the obstacles together.   

TOUCH Marriage Support aims to enrich marriages to build a strong foundation for families. Through a range of holistic programmes led by experienced marriage educators and counsellors, TOUCH Marriage Support prepares young couples for marriage, strengthens spousal relationships, guides couples through conflict resolution, and empowers couples to navigate and cope with the stressors and challenges which they may face in their marriage. 

 Sources 
1. Leonard, Jayne. “What is Trauma? Types, Symptoms, and Treatments.” Medical News Today, MediLexicon International, 3 June 2020, https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/trauma 
2. DiLonardo, Mary Jo. “What are PTSD triggers?” WebMD, WebMD, 11 Sept. 2001,  https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/what-are-ptsd-triggers 
3. Johnson, E.B “Falling in love with a trauma survivor.” Medium, Medium, 31 May 2022, https://medium.com/practical-growth/falling-in-love-with-a-trauma-survivor-814aef2c83f 
4. O’Shoney, Christy. “Trauma and Relationships: How to help a partner with a trauma history.” MyTherapyNYC, My TherapyNYC, 25 July 2022, https://mytherapynyc.com/trauma-and-relationships/