The Power of Forgiveness in Marriage

In any intimate relationship, experiencing disagreements, misunderstandings, and hurt feelings is inevitable. Each couple processes pain and hurt differently, with many factors playing a part in how we respond to and cope with challenging situations. Forgiving a spouse is not always simple – some offences are undoubtedly more difficult to move past than others. Yet, despite the challenges, forgiveness is a vital part of nurturing a resilient and enduring marriage. It often requires deep personal effort, but the strength it brings to the relationship is well worth it.  

WHY IS FORGIVENESS NECESSARY  
These are some reasons why extending forgiveness towards your partner is essential in a marriage.   

Makes room for self-reconciliation: Forgiveness is primarily an internal process, centered on the person doing the forgiving. This internal act allows for self-reconciliation and helps you find inner peace, which makes it easier for you to forgive and make things right with others [1].  

Facilitates emotional healing: Forgiveness is ultimately a gift you give yourself. Forgiveness is not about condoning the hurtful actions but rather a personal journey of releasing the bitterness, anger, and resentment that can otherwise consume you. Studies have also consistently shown that releasing forgiveness is a powerful act of letting go that allows you to heal and move on in life [2].    

Halts the cycle of resentment: Harbouring unforgiveness towards your spouse can breed resentment, a silent but destructive force in a marriage. Resentment, built up over time, can chip away at the bond, straining the relationship and potentially causing it to fall apart.   

Promotes communication and understanding: Some couples choose to avoid confrontation or emotional discomfort by brushing issues aside rather than addressing them openly. While this might seem to eliminate the need for forgiveness in the short term, it creates unspoken tension and breeds resentment which would ultimately bring more harm than good to the marriage. By choosing to forgive – and often, this requires open discussion, understanding, and sometimes an apology – couples can open the lines of communication and deepen their overall understanding of each other's feelings, needs, and vulnerabilities.  

Strengthen the marriage: Forgiveness plays a big role in successful marriages. It's connected to the quality of the relationship, the way we reason for our spouse’s negative actions, and how much empathy we have for each other [1]. While rebuilding trust after forgiveness takes time, overcoming these significant challenges together will ultimately bring you closer as a couple. This shared journey allows for a deeper emotional connection and further reinforces your commitment to the marriage.  

PRACTICAL STEPS TO FORGIVING YOUR SPOUSE 
Here are some practical steps to help you navigate this essential process.   

Acknowledge the hurt: It’s necessary to acknowledge and validate your feelings of hurt or distress. This allows you gain clarity about your emotional experience and identify what needs to be healed.   

Communicate openly: Once you've understood your feelings, communicate them openly and calmly with your partner. Avoid blaming and help your spouse grasp the depth of your emotions. This also serves as an opportunity for them to respond with empathy for the pain they may have caused.  

Seek to understand: Without excusing the behaviour, try to understand if there were factors or reasons behind your partner's actions. This understanding helps to promote empathy and compassion in your relationship.  

Release forgiveness: Once you've communicated with your partner and given yourself time to process your emotions, consciously decide to release any grievance against your spouse. This means letting go of any desire for retribution or the need to bring it up in future arguments, regardless of whether you feel your partner "deserves" forgiveness or if their apology was perfect.  

Practice patience: Deep wounds take time to mend. Don't rush yourself or expect all the pain to disappear immediately. It's perfectly normal for old hurts, frustrations, or even minor annoyances to resurface from time to time. Each time you find yourself feeling angry, frustrated, or bitter towards your spouse, gently but actively guide yourself back to your intention to forgive.  

Recognise that forgiveness is a repeated process that takes time. Let go of things you can't control, like past events or your spouse's choices. Remember to be patient with the journey and yourself as both of you navigate towards healing and growth, as individuals and as a couple.  

Interested to learn more about how you can enhance your marriage? Contact TOUCH Marriage Support at familylife@touch.org.sg or click here to find out more.   
 
TOUCH Marriage Support aims to enrich marriages to build a strong foundation for families. Through a range of holistic programmes led by experienced marriage educators and counsellors, TOUCH Marriage Support prepares young couples for marriage, strengthens spousal relationships, guides couples through conflict resolution, and empowers couples to navigate and cope with the stressors and challenges which they may face in their marriage.      

Sources  
1. Beata, Souders. “The importance of forgiveness in marriage and relationships” Positive Psychology, 20 Aug 2019, https://positivepsychology.com/forgiveness-marriage-relationships/ 
2.. “How forgiveness can transform your marriage” Gottman, https://www.gottman.com/blog/forgiveness-can-transform-marriage/