Tackling Dad Guilt

Being a father is no easy feat. It is a journey of balancing commitments and responsibilities – juggling between work, family, and personal obligations and ensuring neither gets compromised. While society has evolved, with both parents often playing an equal role in providing for the family, the traditional belief of ‘the man of the house’ providing for his family financially is still deeply ingrained in many men. As fathers carry out the role of being the family provider, they may frequently experience this phenomenon called “dad guilt”. This feeling is characterised by self-blame and worry, stemming from the feeling that they’re not doing enough to care for their family needs or that they are failing as parents. 
 
MANIFESTATIONS OF DAD GUILT AND WAYS TO MANAGE IT 
By understanding how dad guilt manifests, fathers can better recognise and address these feelings.  

Feeling like you’re not spending enough time with our children: It's completely normal to feel that you're not spending enough time with your children, especially when you're also navigating career demands, household chores, and personal commitments at the same time. The truth is, there's no magic number for "enough" time. Instead of dwelling on the guilt, recognise that you’re already doing your best in carving out precious time for your children and playing your role as a father.  

Feeling like spending time with your children is at a cost of being an effective provider financially: You may feel like you're caught between being present with your children emotionally and being an effective financial provider. During times like this, it’s important to communicate openly with your spouse or co-parent and strike a balance that will best serve your family’s needs and interests.   

Not wanting to take time out for yourself: Some dads may find it hard to take time out for themselves knowing their wives are home caring for their child on their own. It can feel more challenging if their wives are stay-at-home mothers, who rarely ever get uninterrupted breaks. Dads can feel an immense pressure to "compensate" for their time away at work by dedicating every moment at home to family, viewing their personal time as a luxury they can't afford. However, this persistent avoidance of self-care can negatively impact fathers, such as burnout and even growing resentment towards the family or situation. Carving time out for your self-care is necessary.   

Pursuing the need to be a perfect parent: Are you obsessed with being a perfect father or worry that you’re not doing enough? The idealised image of a “perfect dad” who doesn’t make mistakes or is constantly available for their child is precisely where the guilt takes root. No human can consistently meet such an impossibly high standard, and the pursuit of it will only fuel more anxiety and self-criticism, reducing your effectiveness as a father.   

GENERAL STRATEGIES TO MANAGE DAD GUILT 
These are some general strategies that fathers can employ to manage feelings of dad guilt.   

Knowing that you’re doing your best: Instead of chasing an impossible ideal of perfection or constantly battling a sense of guilt or inadequacy, recognise the effort you're already putting into all your roles. Shift your focus towards the more attainable and impactful elements of parenting: being present and being consistent with your words and actions, and practicing self-compassion.  

Align with your spouse and show appreciation: Align with your spouse or co-parent by discussing your schedules and identifying how you can collectively ensure your children receive the attention and presence they need. Both of you may take on different caregiving roles at home for the children, so make sure to encourage and appreciate one another for all the efforts on the home front.  

Focus on quality over quantity of time: Focus on spending quality time with the children, and not overly focused on quantity. When you shift your focus from the clock to the connection, it takes the burden off you and allow you to focus on spending meaningful time together. Remember that it’s about making each moment count – giving your undivided attention when you’re spending time with your child and intentionally engaging in meaningful conversations together.   

Seek support: Confide in your wife for the concerns or struggles you’re facing emotionally. Sharing your struggles with a loved one can provide emotional support and manage feelings of dad guilt. Apart from your spouse, it’s also good to seek support from family and friends. Don't hesitate to reach out and seek the comfort of those who care about you. However, if your emotions are too overwhelming and you find it hard to cope, it is best to seek professional help. TOUCH Counselling and Psychological Services offers support for those who are distressed or having negative thoughts. You may call the TOUCHline at 1800 377 2252 (Mondays to Fridays, 9am to 6pm) to speak with a counsellor.    

 Experiencing dad guilt is not uncommon and you don’t have to navigate this alone. Seek to recognise and address your feelings, keep communicating and seek support whenever you need it!   

TOUCH Counselling and Psychological Services Group (TCPSG) runs personalised therapy and counselling programmes to empower individuals to be more resilient, cope with daily living, and rise above their circumstances. Through its Supportive Intervention Care Model which comprises Community Care, Private Care and CareTech, TCPS ensures that individuals and families from all backgrounds receive timely care curated to their specific needs. Its expert team of counsellors, psychologists and psychiatrists specialise in areas such as, psychological assessment and diagnosis, trauma therapy, suicide prevention, youth mental wellness, and digital addiction intervention and affair/divorce recovery.